you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
