Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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