I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
