I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
