words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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