I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
