Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
