Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
