i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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