I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
