The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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