I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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