Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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