I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
