It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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