I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize