Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize