bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
