I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
