There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize