when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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