You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
