There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
