I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
