If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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