so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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