i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
