hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
