i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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