That's intense
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
