Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
