Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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