if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
