you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
