hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
