I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
