Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
he fucked my hip out of place.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
