Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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