He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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