mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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