Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
