don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
