By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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