I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
