the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
is it fun? or sober?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
