I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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