im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
