i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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