he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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