Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
