3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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