at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
