You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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