Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
