So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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