You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize