I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
