So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I understand Curling. That high.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize