he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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