i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
