My hand turned me down
I just threw up on my dentist
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
