These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
