shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize